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Jim Carrey Quotes

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'."

"Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass."

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

"That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."

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Steve Martin Quotes 3

"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."

"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them."

"I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."

"I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too."

"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion. You really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological. It seems so arbitrary. But, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

"I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden."

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Steve Martin Quotes 2

"You're nuts but you're welcome here."

"Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol."

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."

"We've had some fun tonight...considering we're all gonna die someday."

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."

"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."

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Steve Martin Quotes

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

"Some people have a way with words....some people....not have way."

"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot."

"Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything."

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."

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Elizabeth Taylor Quotes (Funny)

Big girls need big diamonds.

I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too - for being married so many times.

I don't think President Bush is doing anything at all about Aids. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows how to spell Aids.

I have a woman's body and a child's emotions.

I suppose when they reach a certain age some men are afraid to grow up. It seems the older the men get, the younger their new wives get.

If someone's dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I'm certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.

My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

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Charlie Sheen Quotes

I blinked and I cured my brain. Can't is the cancer of happen.

Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it, dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers.

Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words - imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.

I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It's too much.

I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.

I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars. People can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain.

Defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock.

I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what? If I'm bipolar, aren't there moments where a guy like crashes in the corner like, 'Oh my God, it's all my mom's fault!' Shut up! Shut up! Stop! Move forward.

I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people, people who aren't special, people who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.

You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm. When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it's like, get with the program dude.

I don't sleep. I wait, I sleep on cars, on couches, I sleep when I can.

I'm proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never going to see in their boring normal lives.

Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, Colin Farrell. They didn't give me any advice. Within that there's great advice. There's just love. Just seeing what's up.

All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.

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George Burns Quotes 5

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
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This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
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Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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George Burns Quotes 3

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
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I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
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I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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George Burns Quotes 2

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
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How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
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How can I die? I'm booked.
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I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
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I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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Milton Berle Quotes 3

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
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Milton Berle Quotes 2

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
(at a celebrity roast for Sports Broadcaster Howard Cosell)
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
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Milton Berle Quotes

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
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They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
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Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!
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I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Confucius Say 4

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Woman who wear jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

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Groucho Marx Quotes 3

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
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My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
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My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
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Groucho Marx Quotes

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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Humor is reason gone mad.
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
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Funny Quotes 9

I think animal testing is a terrible idea... they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Unknown

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Unknown

The road to success is always under construction. - Unknown

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are? - Uknown

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers (more joan)

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Funny Quotes 5

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. - Michael Hourigan

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. - Unknown

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Unknown

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. - Uknown

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Funny Quotes 4

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson (more homer)

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh cause I just farted! - Unknown

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' - Unknown

What do you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. - Unknown

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Uknown

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