This Day In Springfield News

Homer Simpson Memes

 Before there was family guy or Southpark there was another show that pissed off American parents. It was called "The Simpsons"  In honor of the show that started it all here's some great tips from Homer Simpson. Read them so you can raise your kids properly.

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Homer Simpson Quotes 4

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
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The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
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When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
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I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.
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Dear Lord,The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal.
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That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
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I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
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Homer Simpson Quotes 3

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
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You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
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Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
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When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
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Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
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I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
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[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
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What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
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Homer Simpson Quotes 2

Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
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I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell?
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Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
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It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
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Lisa, Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
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I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.
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Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that.
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Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harrassing that woman.
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Homer Simpson Quotes

Operator! Give me the number for 911!
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Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
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Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
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Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
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I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.
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Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
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Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'
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Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
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Funny Quotes 5

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. - Michael Hourigan

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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. -Homer Simpson

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Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. - Unknown

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If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? - Unknown

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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

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Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. - Uknown

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Funny Quotes 4

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. - Homer Simpson (more homer)

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You laugh because I'm different. I laugh cause I just farted! - Unknown

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What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' - Unknown

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What do you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. - Unknown

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Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. - Douglas Adams

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Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Uknown

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