Steve Martin Quotes 3

"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."

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"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them."

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"I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."

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"I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too."

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"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion. You really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological. It seems so arbitrary. But, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

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"I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden."

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George Burns Quotes 3

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
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I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
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I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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George Burns Quotes 2

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
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How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
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How can I die? I'm booked.
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I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
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I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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George Burns Quotes

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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At my age flowers scare me.
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Be quick to learn and wise to know.
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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Milton Berle Quotes

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
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They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
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Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!
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I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Frank Caliendo - Hilarious Impressions!

Rowan Atkinson in 'We are most amused'

Carl Barron - Montreal Comedy Festival 2006