Groucho Marx Quotes 4

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
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Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
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Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
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Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
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Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
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Women should be obscene and not heard.
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Groucho Marx Quotes 3

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
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Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
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My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
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My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
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Groucho Marx Quotes 2

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
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I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
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I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
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I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
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Groucho Marx Quotes

Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
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Go, and never darken my towels again.
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Humor is reason gone mad.
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I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
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Funny Quotes

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx (more groucho)

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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. – Socrates

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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. - Unknown

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A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. - Unknown

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