Will Ferrell For The Win

Jim Carrey Quotes

"One thing I hope I'll never be is drunk with my own power. And anybody who says I am will never work in this town again."

Tweet

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

Tweet

"My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'."

Tweet

"Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass."

Tweet

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."

Tweet

"That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."

Tweet

Get More Funny Quotes

Steve Martin Quotes 3

"A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair."

Tweet

"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them."

Tweet

"I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it. It was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that..."

Tweet

"I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too."

Tweet

"It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion. You really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological. It seems so arbitrary. But, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch."

Tweet

"I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden."

Tweet

Get More>>>

1

2

3

Get More Funny Quotes

Steve Martin Quotes 2

"You're nuts but you're welcome here."

Tweet

"Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol."

Tweet

"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."

Tweet

"We've had some fun tonight...considering we're all gonna die someday."

Tweet

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me."

Tweet

"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."

Tweet

Get More>>>

1

2

3

>>>Next

Get More Funny Quotes

Steve Martin Quotes

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night."

Tweet

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Tweet

"Some people have a way with words....some people....not have way."

Tweet

"I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot."

Tweet

"Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything."

Tweet

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."

Tweet

Get More>>>

1

2

3

>>>Next

Get More Funny Quotes

Funny 4th Of July Quotes

All hell's going to break loose.

"Better to starve free than be a fat slave." -Aesop

Tweet

"There, I guess King George will be able to read that." -John Hancock (On signing the American Declaration of Independence.)

Tweet

"Give a man a bbq feed him for a day. Teach a man to bbq and feed him for the summer." -unkown

Tweet

"I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking." -Woodrow T. Wilson

Tweet

"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it." -George Bernard Shaw

Tweet

Elizabeth Taylor Quotes (Funny)

Big girls need big diamonds.

I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too - for being married so many times.


I don't think President Bush is doing anything at all about Aids. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows how to spell Aids.

I have a woman's body and a child's emotions.

I suppose when they reach a certain age some men are afraid to grow up. It seems the older the men get, the younger their new wives get.

If someone's dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I'm certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.

My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.


Back to Famous Funny Quotes Home

George Burns Quotes 4

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
Tweet This

If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
Tweet This

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
Tweet This

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Tweet This

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
Tweet This

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Tweet This

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
Tweet This

Get More>>>

1

2

3

4

5

Back to Famous Funny Quotes Home

George Burns Quotes 3

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
Tweet This

I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
Tweet This

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
Tweet This

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
Tweet This

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
Tweet This

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
Tweet This

Get More>>>

1

2

3

4

5

Back to Famous Funny Quotes Home

George Burns Quotes 2

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Tweet This

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
Tweet This

How can I die? I'm booked.
Tweet This

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Tweet This

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
Tweet This

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
Tweet This

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
Tweet This

Get More>>>

1

2

3

4

5

Back to Famous Funny Quotes Home

Milton Berle Quotes 3

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
Tweet This

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
Tweet This

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
Tweet This

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Tweet This

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Tweet This

Laughter is an instant vacation.
Tweet This

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Tweet This

Get More>>>

1

2

3

Back to Famous Quotes Home

Milton Berle Quotes 2

My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Tweet This

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
(at a celebrity roast for Sports Broadcaster Howard Cosell)
Tweet This

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
Tweet This

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
Tweet This

What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
Tweet This

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
Tweet This

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
Tweet This

Get More>>>

1

2

3

Back to Famous Quotes Home

Famous Funny Quotes

<a href="http://adf.ly/106945/www.iheartshiena.blogspot.com/p/home_12.html" target="_blank"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN7vJk-aB6ja7Fz7E8ulQKtCER_LhLrvwKfO29uC5EkgA_lVA9x7uOwADDGqBPkuM5UID7O5wwBIzAqOUBfgokTZvAgPs5qiGIsbYGZn5QW3vjCXtm-Oip2rrA4ORsGfU2snVo9YZTcwg/s1600/milton-berle_020662.jpg" border="0" alt="I♥SHIENA"><br><center>I♥SHIENA</center></a> Get More >>>

(homer simpson) (george w. bush) (groucho marx) (joan rivers) (confucius) (milton berle) (george burns) (charlie sheen) (elizabeth taylor) (steve martin) (jim carrey)

See Other Funny Quotes


Or Choose One Of These...

Funny Quotes 9

I think animal testing is a terrible idea... they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. - Unknown

Tweet

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. - Unknown

Tweet

The road to success is always under construction. - Unknown

Tweet

He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor. - Paddy O'Dea

Tweet

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. - Al Bundy

Tweet

It's 11PM, do you know where your pants are? - Uknown

Tweet

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer. - Joan Rivers (more joan)

Tweet

Get More>>>

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

>>>Next

See Also: Famous Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes 8

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. - Albert Einstein

Tweet

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. - Uknown

Tweet

He who laughs last didn't get it. - Unknown

Tweet

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." - Unkown

Tweet

Everyone has photographic memory. Some just don't have the film. - Unknown

Tweet

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. - Unknown

Tweet

Get More>>>

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

>>>Next

See Also: Famous Funny Quotes