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Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label quotes. Show all posts
Jim Carrey Quotes
Steve Martin Quotes 3
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Steve Martin Quotes 2
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Steve Martin Quotes
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Funny 4th Of July Quotes
All hell's going to break loose.
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Elizabeth Taylor Quotes (Funny)
Big girls need big diamonds.
I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed too - for being married so many times.
I don't think President Bush is doing anything at all about Aids. In fact, I'm not sure he even knows how to spell Aids.
I have a woman's body and a child's emotions.
I suppose when they reach a certain age some men are afraid to grow up. It seems the older the men get, the younger their new wives get.
If someone's dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I'm certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.
My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.
Charlie Sheen Quotes
I blinked and I cured my brain. Can't is the cancer of happen.
Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it, dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers.
Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words - imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists.
I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. It's too much.
I'm sorry, man, but I've got magic. I've got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.
I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars. People can't figure me out. They can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain.
Defeat is not an option. They picked a fight with a warlock.
I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there. Now what? If I'm bipolar, aren't there moments where a guy like crashes in the corner like, 'Oh my God, it's all my mom's fault!' Shut up! Shut up! Stop! Move forward.
I will not believe that if I do something then I have to follow a certain path because it was written for normal people, people who aren't special, people who don't have tiger blood and Adonis DNA.
You borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like dude, can't handle it, unplug this bastard. It fires in a way that is, I don't know, maybe not from this terrestrial realm. When you've got tiger blood and Adonis DNA, it's like, get with the program dude.
I don't sleep. I wait, I sleep on cars, on couches, I sleep when I can.
I'm proud of what I created. It was radical. I exposed people to magic. I exposed them to something they're never going to see in their boring normal lives.
Sean Penn, Mel Gibson, Colin Farrell. They didn't give me any advice. Within that there's great advice. There's just love. Just seeing what's up.
All these words just sound cool together. They come from my grand wizard master.
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Movie Quotes (Zoolander)
"They're break-dance fighting." - Mugatu
"Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty." - Derek Zoolander
"Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?" - Derek Zoolander
"Seriously, do you like service yourself ten times a day?" - Derek Zoolander
"So join now, 'cause at the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than just being really, really, really good looking. Right kids?" - Derek Zoolander
"Let me show you Derelicte. It is a fashion, a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique." - Mugatu
"Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us. " - Derek Zoolander
"I've got a prostate the size of a honeydew and a head full of bad memories." - Maury Ballstein
"Mugatu is so hot right now he could take a crap, wrap it in tinfoil, put a couple fish hooks on it and sell it to Queen Elizabeth as earrings. " - Maury Ballstein
"How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?" - Derek Zoolander
"A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?" - Derek Zoolander
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend." - Derek Zoolander
"You're dead to me, son. You're even more dead to me than your dead mother." - Larry Zoolander
Movie Quotes (Dumb And Dumber)
"Just when I thought you couldn't possibly be any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!" - Harry
"If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets." - Lloyd
"We got no food, no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!" - Lloyd
"Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy." - Lloyd
"Well suck me sideways!" - Lloyd
"Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something. I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention." - Harry
"Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles." - Lloyd
"According to the map we've only gone 4 inches." - Harry
"I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask." - Lloyd
"How about you go over and introduce yourself, build me up, that way I don't have to brag about myself later." - Lloyd
"Tell her I'm rich, and I'm good looking, and I have, uh, a rapist's wit." - Lloyd
Movie Quotes (Airplane)
"I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it, Kramer?" - Striker
"Mostly, I remember the nights when we were together. I remember how you used to hold me and... how I used to sit on your face and wiggle." - Elaine
"Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to be alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?" - Elaine
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking." - McCroskey
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking." - McCroskey
" Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines." - McCroskey
"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue." - McCroskey
"The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "Sometime when the crew is up against it, the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure." - Rumack
" Loneliness, that's the bottom line. I was never happy as a child... Christmas, Ted, what does that mean to you? It was living hell. Do you know what it's like falling in the mud and getting kicked, in the head? With an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does, that never happens. Sorry, Ted, skip that, it's a dumb question." - Kramer
"All right, give me Hamm on five, hold the Mayo!" - Captain Oveur
"Joey, did ya ever hang around a gymnasium?" - Captain Oveur
"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?" - Captain Oveur
"Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?" - Captain Oveur
"Have you ever seen a grown man naked?" - Captain Oveur
George Burns Quotes 5
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
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This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
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Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
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When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
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You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
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George Burns Quotes 4
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
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If it's a good script I'll do it. And if it's a bad script, and they pay me enough, I'll do it.
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If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
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If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
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It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
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Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
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Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
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George Burns Quotes 3
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
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I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
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I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
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I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
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I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
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I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
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George Burns Quotes 2
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
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How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.
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How can I die? I'm booked.
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I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
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I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
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I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
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I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
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George Burns Quotes
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
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At my age flowers scare me.
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Be quick to learn and wise to know.
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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
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Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
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Milton Berle Quotes 3
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
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A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!".
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I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.
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If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
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If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
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Laughter is an instant vacation.
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Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
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Milton Berle Quotes 2
My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
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Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
(at a celebrity roast for Sports Broadcaster Howard Cosell)
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You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
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Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
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What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
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I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
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A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.
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Milton Berle Quotes
Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
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He's so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
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They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
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Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes!
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I know why Superman left Krypton. Earth was the only place he could get steroids!
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It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
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Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
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In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
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Famous Love Quotes 7
We loved with a love that was more than love.
Edgar Allan Poe
What the world really needs is more love and less paper work.
Pearl Bailey
Where there is love there is life.
Mohandas Gandhi
Who would give a law to lovers? Love is unto itself a higher law.
Boethius
What a grand thing, to be loved!
What a grander thing still, to love!
Victor Hugo
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