RedHotPogo: fart

Showing posts with label fart. Show all posts

pug life

I use to want a pug. They're so amusing looking. Until I dated a girl that had a pug. Oh man, that thing had some gas. And it was the most horrible smell. One time in middle school a student brought a fart bomb to school. They released it in the gym. It cleared out the entire school. I thought that was the worst smell I'd ever smelled. I was wrong. Whatever was coming out of this dog's rear wasn't from this world. It's like the kind of smell that makes you go "Oh... oh OHHHHH! DMN! WTF! OH HELL!"

Pug Face Emoji Wood Wall Art
by templeofswag

Americans Should Fart More

This post is about relaxing. Sometimes people just need to relax. Who needs to relax? Everyone, but mainly Americans need to relax. Americans never relax. Even when they're partying they're not relaxed. How can you not be relaxed when you're partying? Well if you're not American you could easily spot it, but if you are then you probably won't, because well... you're American.

Let me tell you a story. A couple of years ago I was in the Philippines sitting outside talking with my wife and some friends of ours. Actually they were talking, and I was sitting uncomfortably just grinning and nodding my head. Then they got up and said goodbye, and they left. I was relieved. Not that they had left. I had nothing against them. It's just that I had been holding a fart in for that whole time.

Finally I was alone with my wife, who I know doesn't mind if you fart. So I let it go. "Ahhhhhhhh....finally." I exclaimed, satisfied from my release. Now I could relax. My wife asked me if I had been holding it in that whole time. I told her that yes, I was. I didn't want to be rude. And she looked at me like I was crazy. One of the first of many looks like that I would get. She told me that it isn't rude to fart. "No one cares if you fart." she said. "Everyone does it."

I considered what she said, but I still held my farts in when anyone was around for awhile. You see I just wasn't use to that. In America you don't fart. People will say you're rude and disgusting. Rich, poor, female, male. Americans don't fart in public. They claim they do, but try it sometime. Fart in public in America and look around. People will look at you like you're scum. They don't even look at theives and murderers that way the way they look at farters.

But why is this? It's much more than just farting. Americans are uptight about everything. What are you wearing? What school did you go to? What do you drive? Where do you work? American media advertises America as the best place to be on Earth, and Americans feel they need to live up to that reputation. So they're very stressed. And any little thing to make someone else seem like a bad person they think will raise their status level, somehow making them the ultimate American. Of course if you're American you don't know that this is how you are. I didn't know it until I finally got out of America, and took a look back at it.

Americans, my crazy stressed out, working 3 jobs so that you can afford to eat and barely pay off your credit cards, so that you can pretend that you have a better life than you really do, pill popping, energy drink guzzling, Americans this message is for you. You are not the best country. You could be, but your attitudes have ruined it for you. What's better than America? A lot of places. You should travel more. So stopped being stressed trying to live up to the pressure of being the cool kid in school. Relax. Stop the rushing around, doing things just because everyone else is doing it or someone says its normal. Its not normal it's insane. Stop trying to be on top all the time. Relax. And for the love of Papa Johns Pizza, when you have to fart. Fart. Wherever you're at. Peace out.

The Fart Heard Round The World

I was googling around for fart pics today to add to a recent section called Getting to Know Your Farts", when I came upon a particularly gifted farter who makes a living by passing gas on huge crowds of people. WELL HOT JAM! Sounds like the kind of job you'ld be into eh?

The man's (yes it's a dude) name is Konrad Stockel. I'm going to assume his stage name is "Fat King Konrad", because it's in the web adress. Mr. Stockel is from Hamburg, Germany. Hmmm. I'm not even going to say it. Anyhoo... On his website http://fatkingkonrad.de/ Mr. Stockel describes himself as such:

"First of all I am an entertainer. Throughout my different shows you may experience a unique mixture made of curiosity, magic, comedy, and the art of presenting."

Now you smell it...now you don't? Fat King Konrad, aka F.K.K. has peformed for CBS and Comedy Central, as well as some other German television stations like "ARD " and "2DF". (You're thinking of fart jokes right now aren't you?) His list of sponsors is quite impressive. They include: Minolta, Shellane, VolksWagon, Panasonic, Konami, Mercedes-Benz, and some other brands no one has ever heard of. What a gas.

So, remember this kids. If you have a dream, no matter how crazy it might seem to others, go for it. One day you could be up on that stage entertaining crowds of drunk college students. Believe in yourself, follow your gut, and listen to your butt.

Get to Know Your Farts

The Absent (a.k.a. 'He was just here.' Fart):
The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren't in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, you're screwed.

The Anticipated Fart:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.

Get More>>>

"The Fart Heard Round The World"

Rough Rider (Embarrassing Story # Deuce)

The 2nd story in my saga of embarrassing moments takes place in the 6th grade. It's the end of the year tests. This test decides if you will graduate, and be able to pass on to the next grade. It's a long multiple choice questionnaire that tests you on your skills in math, reading, writing, science, geography, etc. It requires complete concentration.

But I have to use the bathroom.

I'm like a camel when it comes to storing water. Many times I have woken up in the middle of the night, having to pee, and I just go back to sleep. I'm never worried about peeing the bed. It's never happened. Pooping is another story. I feel the gas working its way through my stomach and to the exit. I clench my cheeks tight, and cross my legs. I look at the test. Okay. I can do this. Just finish this test, and run to the bathroom. So I begin. The feeling builds up. I cross my legs. Still the pressure builds. I'm racing through the questions as fast as I can. I can feel a fart slipping out. I grab onto my chair, and press my butt hard against the seat. It's coming.

By this time I realize I can't hold it any longer. I'm going to explode. I raise my hand. The teacher calls my name. I say, "May I please go to the bathroom?" She replies, "No." I say, "But it's an emergency." "Too bad. You should have gone before the test.", she exclaims. "I didn't have to go then.", I whimper.

Okay, now it's a race against time. D-Day is upon me.

Now would be a good time to tell you that this girl I was interested in was sitting right next to me.

I decide to do the old a), b), c) combination. You just keep answering a,b,c in that order. I've found that usually you'll make a passing grade doing this. So I begin filling in the circles as fast as I can. My pencil breaks. If I get up to sharpen it, then a fart will surely slip out. So I break it some more, so that the lead is sticking out. I continue. I can feel my body shaking.

"Poot." I clench my checks tighter. Whew. That was close. I don't think anyone heard that. Almost done. Just 5 more bubbles to fill. I can relax. In just a few seconds I'll be on my way to the .....

Braapppppppppppppppp...

The class get's quiet. The teacher yells out "Who did that?" "Do you think that's funny?"

Brappppppppppppppppppppppppppp...

The girl next to me moves to another desk. The class starts giggling. The teacher yells again. "Alright, whoever that is needs to knock it off. You're disrupting the class."

As if I'm doing it on purpose, I think to myself.

BRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....

I can't take it anymore. I run out of the classroom, and down the hall. Behind me I can hear the teacher yelling my name, and telling me to get back in the class.

The end.

Next

Pick Ups 2

Yay farts!

I got a booboo!

Shhhh!