man smores

man smores

Nope.  I've hung out with some wild and crazy people, but this is crossing the line.  Fire near balls is  Oh wait.  Chit.  Never mind.  I did hang out with people like this. when I was about seventeen years of age, I was going to school for autobody.  Back then I was a smoker, and during our break me and my friends would go out front of the garage and smoke a cig, and discuss our plans for the day.  We had this initiation we would do for the new students, that involved dropping our lit, but nearly finished cigarettes into their front pockets as we would all walk back inside.  Most of the time it would just burn a whole through the thin blue jumpsuit we had to wear as a uniform.  But one time it didn't.  Apparently this one guy had a lot of things in his pocket to burn.  So instead of burning a little hole and falling through without really doing any thing other than making the person jump a little, this guy had a little bonfire going in his pocket.  

He said "Do you smell that?"  seriously it was like a cartoon.  And forgetting all about the cig, which I had dropped into his  (oh wait.. I just remembered I am that friend) .  Anyway, I had forgotten all about the little prank, so I said... "No. What's it smell like? "  And he said it smelled like something burning.  I say "No.  I.."  Just as I was about to say I didn't smell anything burning I smelled it.  So now I'm looking around the garage to see if anything is on fire.  I'm looking everywhere.  Nothing.  But now I'm seeing smoke.  So my eyes follow the smoke....back to his pocket.  It was a hot pocket. A very hot pocket.  Flames were coming out.  Luckily whatever he had in there was blocking his skin from feeling the heat, but wow.  

I said "Your pocket is on fire."  He's like "What?"  I said "You're pocket is on fire! Look!"  He laughs, and says "I'm not falling for tha-"  Well at that moment he must have felt the heat,because he looks down, and screams.  And before I can throw my can of Dr. Pepper on him to douse the flames, he's got his overalls ripped off, and he's stomping on it.  Completely nude, stomping on his burning overalls. And I'm yelling at him, "More!  More!  You're not doing it right!  Faster!  Faster!"  

At that moment one of our instructors walks in, and sees us, and says "I don't even want to know," and leaves. So the guy manages to get the flame out, and puts his overalls back on.  He says "I'm going to get Jason!"  Because he put two and two together, and remembered that he had seen my friend Jason doing that prank to another student.  Now, class was about to start.  The teacher was calling the roll, so we had no time.   We just ran into the classroom.  I found my seat immediately, and sat down.  

The other guy was held up as a couple of other students were standing up talking to each other, and blocking his way to his desk.  Well my friend Jason, starts laughing, and I look at him, wondering what's going on.  He motions with his head toward the guy who is standing up.  And I see this very large burnt out area on the crotch.  The guys thing is not hanging out or anything.  You can't see it.  But it's like you know at any moment it could just flop out.  

Now at the same time that I'm looking at this guy with a shocked look on my face he looks over at me.  He sees where my eyes are looking, and he looks down.  Then immediately he looks over at Jason with just a pissy look on his face.  My friend Jason then looks at me, and says "What's his deal?"   So I told him what happened.  He's laughing so hard.  He's like "Oh man I wish I could have seen that."  Then I tell him "He thinks you did it."  And that was that.  That guy always hated Jason after that.  But he was very friendly to me.  Jason would say to me "Man that guy is a douchebag.  I never did anything to him."  And I would say back "I don't know.  Seems like a pretty decent guy to me."  

Smore Than a Feeling Throw Pillow
by templeofswag

Invisibility

At some point in just about everyone's lives there is the need to be invisible. Mine was when I was in grade school. My family was poor and I was picked on a lot because of it. There were days I wish I could just turn invisible. Now that I'm older I realize what an odd thought that is. To want to be invisible for the actions of others. As if I'm ashamed of who I am, and don't want to offend others. Instead it should be the offenders who are invisible to the rest of us so they can't spread their disease.

I never understood as a child what people meant when they said that children were innocent. I wasn't innocent. I made my choices knowing what they were. Most children do. Now I realize it is just a case of the wrong choice of words. They don't mean children are innocent. They mean children are metaphorically blind. Now my eyes are open and I see why people guard their children so much.

The world in particular America has become a place where bad choices are rewarded, and those that try to do the right thing are outcasts. The worst part is these offenders have a voice. The media. When I was a kid if I were going to make someone invisible it would be the snobs and the bullies. Today it would be the media. There are no invisibility cloaks, but there is a way. If the people tune out. Stop buying what they're selling. Use common sense. Don't let Hollywood tell you how to live your life. Time to grow up. Time to put your clothes back on.

Rough Rider (Embarrassing Story # Deuce)

The 2nd story in my saga of embarrassing moments takes place in the 6th grade. It's the end of the year tests. This test decides if you will graduate, and be able to pass on to the next grade. It's a long multiple choice questionnaire that tests you on your skills in math, reading, writing, science, geography, etc. It requires complete concentration.

But I have to use the bathroom.

I'm like a camel when it comes to storing water. Many times I have woken up in the middle of the night, having to pee, and I just go back to sleep. I'm never worried about peeing the bed. It's never happened. Pooping is another story. I feel the gas working its way through my stomach and to the exit. I clench my cheeks tight, and cross my legs. I look at the test. Okay. I can do this. Just finish this test, and run to the bathroom. So I begin. The feeling builds up. I cross my legs. Still the pressure builds. I'm racing through the questions as fast as I can. I can feel a fart slipping out. I grab onto my chair, and press my butt hard against the seat. It's coming.

By this time I realize I can't hold it any longer. I'm going to explode. I raise my hand. The teacher calls my name. I say, "May I please go to the bathroom?" She replies, "No." I say, "But it's an emergency." "Too bad. You should have gone before the test.", she exclaims. "I didn't have to go then.", I whimper.

Okay, now it's a race against time. D-Day is upon me.

Now would be a good time to tell you that this girl I was interested in was sitting right next to me.

I decide to do the old a), b), c) combination. You just keep answering a,b,c in that order. I've found that usually you'll make a passing grade doing this. So I begin filling in the circles as fast as I can. My pencil breaks. If I get up to sharpen it, then a fart will surely slip out. So I break it some more, so that the lead is sticking out. I continue. I can feel my body shaking.

"Poot." I clench my checks tighter. Whew. That was close. I don't think anyone heard that. Almost done. Just 5 more bubbles to fill. I can relax. In just a few seconds I'll be on my way to the .....

Braapppppppppppppppp...

The class get's quiet. The teacher yells out "Who did that?" "Do you think that's funny?"

Brappppppppppppppppppppppppppp...

The girl next to me moves to another desk. The class starts giggling. The teacher yells again. "Alright, whoever that is needs to knock it off. You're disrupting the class."

As if I'm doing it on purpose, I think to myself.

BRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....

I can't take it anymore. I run out of the classroom, and down the hall. Behind me I can hear the teacher yelling my name, and telling me to get back in the class.

The end.


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