Rough Rider (Embarrassing Story # Deuce)

The 2nd story in my saga of embarrassing moments takes place in the 6th grade. It's the end of the year tests. This test decides if you will graduate, and be able to pass on to the next grade. It's a long multiple choice questionnaire that tests you on your skills in math, reading, writing, science, geography, etc. It requires complete concentration.

But I have to use the bathroom.

I'm like a camel when it comes to storing water. Many times I have woken up in the middle of the night, having to pee, and I just go back to sleep. I'm never worried about peeing the bed. It's never happened. Pooping is another story. I feel the gas working its way through my stomach and to the exit. I clench my cheeks tight, and cross my legs. I look at the test. Okay. I can do this. Just finish this test, and run to the bathroom. So I begin. The feeling builds up. I cross my legs. Still the pressure builds. I'm racing through the questions as fast as I can. I can feel a fart slipping out. I grab onto my chair, and press my butt hard against the seat. It's coming.

By this time I realize I can't hold it any longer. I'm going to explode. I raise my hand. The teacher calls my name. I say, "May I please go to the bathroom?" She replies, "No." I say, "But it's an emergency." "Too bad. You should have gone before the test.", she exclaims. "I didn't have to go then.", I whimper.

Okay, now it's a race against time. D-Day is upon me.

Now would be a good time to tell you that this girl I was interested in was sitting right next to me.

I decide to do the old a), b), c) combination. You just keep answering a,b,c in that order. I've found that usually you'll make a passing grade doing this. So I begin filling in the circles as fast as I can. My pencil breaks. If I get up to sharpen it, then a fart will surely slip out. So I break it some more, so that the lead is sticking out. I continue. I can feel my body shaking.

"Poot." I clench my checks tighter. Whew. That was close. I don't think anyone heard that. Almost done. Just 5 more bubbles to fill. I can relax. In just a few seconds I'll be on my way to the .....

Braapppppppppppppppp...

The class get's quiet. The teacher yells out "Who did that?" "Do you think that's funny?"

Brappppppppppppppppppppppppppp...

The girl next to me moves to another desk. The class starts giggling. The teacher yells again. "Alright, whoever that is needs to knock it off. You're disrupting the class."

As if I'm doing it on purpose, I think to myself.

BRAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP....

I can't take it anymore. I run out of the classroom, and down the hall. Behind me I can hear the teacher yelling my name, and telling me to get back in the class.

The end.


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There She Blows. (Embarrasing Story # Uno)

This story takes place at a Summer camp in Eagle Rock Georgia (U.S.), during the mid 90's. I was in middle school, and my school decided to pay for a few of us "less fortunate" kids to attend this expensive summer camp. This camp was more like prison to me. Not the kind of camp where you just do whatever you want. We had chores, and jobs. There was very little free time. One of the classes I had to attend was swim/dive class. That's where you learn different swimming and diving techniques, along with water rescue, and CPR.

Okay so now with that really long intro comes the really short story. After hours of swimming back and forth in this larger than Olympic sized pool, the swim teacher decided to introduce us to the diving board. She told us just to go up there and jump off, to get a feel for the board. So, people are going and jumping off. Some feet first, and others belly flops. I decided that I'm going to add a little style. So I go for a flip. I succeed. Everyone is impressed.

I should mention now that I was the only guy in that class. There was about 10 students total, plus the female instructor, and I was the only guy. So, for my next jump, I decided to go for the double.

Kids, remember this lesson: If you succeed at doing something you've never done before, consider it beginner's luck. Walk away with your head up high, and let it go.

So, up on the diving board I go. I do my double little kick walk, and leap off the diving board into the air. I do 2 flips, and I know that I've accomplished my goal before I even hit the water. As I'm going down to the bottom of the pool all I can think is "Perfect dive." Then I look up and see everyone looking down into the water at me. But before I could even think, I see a pair of swim trunks float overhead. I'm like, wait a second. Who's are those? And I look down. Oh.

End of story.


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