This elderly couple is watching one of those television
preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera,
and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my
healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place
one hand on top of your TV & the other hand on the
part of your body which ails you and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems,
so she places one hand on the television, and her other
hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches
the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his
other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking
about healing the sick, not raising the dead."
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Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first
one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When
he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your
Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The
first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard
bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say,
'Oh my God!".
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A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was
very small.
The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
The teacher reiterated a whale could not
swallow a human; it was impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing
the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive
suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a
few words with him.
As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him.
The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again.
This really angered the American. After speaking with the drunkard, the
American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope
that the Pope would speak to him the next day.
The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope
and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly
up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the
American and spoke softly into his ear..
"I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here."
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