A man called to testify at the Internal Revenue
Service (IRS), asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the
accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit
and tie."
Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you
a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right
up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got
conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right
down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with
the IRS?!"
"Simple", replied the Priest...
"It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant's lawyer."
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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness
to the stand in a trial of an elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Gibbs, do you
know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Smith.
I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly,
you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them
behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot
when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know
you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Gibbs,
do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Hodges since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit
him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment
to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The
man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.
Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence
and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet
voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks
her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
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