A ducks walks into a bar and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn’t serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. duck
The next day, the duck returns and says, “Got any grapes?”
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ”Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!”
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ”Got any nails?”
Confused, the bartender says no.
”Good!” says the duck. ”Got any grapes?”
Back to The Bar
An Irish man is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the man leaves.
The Irish man gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your big black beard?" The Irish man thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and says, "Secret Service!"
Back to The Bar
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now."
After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender.
"I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
The next evening the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, beer for you, and beer for everyone who is in the bar now."
The bartender thinks to himself, "The man can't be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, tonight he must have enough money", and gives beer to everyone. After drinking, the man starts walking out of the bar. "Hey, what about the payment?" yells the bartender.
"I have no money," answers the man. The bartender hears that and beats the man as hard as he can, then throws him out into the street.
One evening later the man walks again into the bar and says to the bartender, "Beer for me, and beer for everyone who is now in the bar."
In disgust, the bartender asks "What, no beer for me this time?"
"No," answers the man, "you get violent when you drink."
Back to The Bar
The Olive Jar
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he
removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered
another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of
martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him
out for a jar of olives."
50 Cent
A guy rushes into a bar, orders four expensive 30-year-old single malts and
has the bartender line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he
quickly downs each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked, "you seem to be in a
hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have."
"What do you have?" the bartender sympathetically asked.
"Fifty cents."
Whipe It Real Good
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."
The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"
"Just rub toilet paper between them."
Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"
"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
Grab The Wheel
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
The Irish man replies, "It's drivin' me nuts!"