There once was beaver named Justin. His friends called him J.B. He wanted so bad to be famous. He dreamed of living the life of a star. He could have maids and other servants follow him around, and do whatever he wanted them to do. No longer would he have to put up with his mom and dad's crap. People would shout his name. People from all around would come to see him. Oh yes, sure the lower class people can be scary, but that's why you hire some body guards to beat them up.
J.B. was a big fan of music. Hanna Montana, the Jonas' Brothers, you know the really hard stuff. He lived life on the edge. Sure his emo style was about 5 years too late, but his mom said it was still cool, and she knows because she's somebody important where she works, and your mom probably works in retail as a cashier (or lol sales person). If anyone had a chance to be a big pop star it was J.B. he had all the necessary qualifications. He know's the latest styles and his family has money. Not like those homeless kids that can't even afford to buy their own music studio. Why do they even bother?
So Justin Beaver set out to be a pop star. He started writing songs with some help from his mom, and performing small concerts for his friends to showcase his talent. He got his mommy to put his home videos on YouTube and gathered a small fan base. It wasn't long before he begin to get noticed. People loved his music so much they would tease him, and say "You suck you untalented spoiled brat." , "Why do you sound like a 3 year old girl?", and "I just wasted 5 minutes of my life." lol. He was already on his way to the big time. Now he needed to stretch out.
So Mrs. Beaver recorded some of her son's music and sent it around to record companies all over, hoping that someone would give him a record deal, so that she wouldn't have to put up with his crap anymore. But no one wanted him. Her desperate letters were returned with "Sorry, your son just has no talent. If he ever gets any then give us a call. Here's our number." She called the number to beg for them to take him, but it turns out it was just a sex hotline. Unfortunatly in her attempt to quickly hang up the phone as J.B. walked in the front door, she pressed #5 and accidentally agreed to post naked in PlayBoy. At least that's what she told J.B. when they came to the house to take her picture.
Then one glorious day there was a knock on the door. A man in one of those cheap $500 suits was there with a briefcase. Probably just another person from some feed the children thing trying to get some money. You know how that is right? Why don't these people just get a job. So J.B. opened the door, and politely asked the man to go away. "We don't have any..." But before he could finish the man spoke "I am from a big record company." What? Could it be true? This was the moment Justin Beaver had been waiting for.
He quickly closed the door, because air conditioning is too expensive to waste on lower class people, and yelled for his mom to come downstairs. He tried so hard to contain himself in a dignified manner, but he couldn't take it anymore, and burst out in a screech blurting out "Mom I'm going to be famous." His mom gave him a pat on the head, and said "Yes, someday you will. Momma's baby boy is going to be a big star", then she noticed a man tapping on the front window. "Oh. who's this?", she said. "That's some guy they sent over from a big record company.", he exclaimed. Now she was screeching, and together they jumped up and down screeching and were doing that laugh cry thing.
Meanwhile the man from the record company had stopped tapping on the window, and was beginning to wonder if he had the right house. They told him this was a young boy, but this clearly was a mom and daughter team. He started to walk back to his car, when the door burst open, and the mother grabbed him around the waste. "Oh thank you. Thank you so much for taking him away?" The man stood frozen in shock? J.B.'s mom quickly corrected her error and told him she meant she was just so excited that they recognized her son's talent, and were going to make him a big star. Whew that was close.
The man from the record company gathered his composure and said, "Oh, no I was just shocked that your kid is actually a boy. I was about to leave. You see I thought I had the wrong house." Now the mom was taken aback. The man continued on. "As far as talent goes though, you're son has none. But he does have a look that is popular among elementary school girls, which is a market we've struggled to break into. Your son may very well be the key. "Well whatever. I'll go pack his stuff." the mom said, go around back and I'll sneak you up to my room to discuss this further. And discuss it they did.
Flash forward. 3 months later Justin Beaver is actually doing it. He's singing his songs, and playing his autographed Lionel Richie guitar, in a real professional studio. Just then he sees Osher walk in. Oh can you believe it? Freaking Osher. He blushed a little bit when Osher gave him a thumbs up. Oh if the guys in his Kiwanis club could see him now.
Just outside the recording booth window Osher asked who the poor kid with the horrible voice is. "Another Make a Wish Kid?" He asked. "No." They replied. "He's our next act." Osher put his hand to his face (facepalm), and said, "He?" "Oh dear lord why?" And shook his head back and forth. "We'll you know what to do. Write some better lyrics for him, and just tell him that he wrote them in his sleep, then someone fix the vocals. We can make this work. We have the technology." And then he rushed back out the door waving one last time at the kid.
Flash forward. Several years later. J.B. is living the life he always dreamed of. Screaming preteens everywhere yell his name everywhere he goes, and he can do whatever he wants. But there have been some set backs. So many people have spread horrible rumors about him. A nobody from the show C.S.I. said that he punched a cake and was acting like a spoiled brat. Cussing at the crew and just being rude to them. Of course this wasn't true. Yes he did punch a cake, but it he was never rude to the stars of the show, because they're the people that matter. If the crew were upset with him then tough, they should have stayed in school, then they wouldn't be so poor and jealous of him.
As time went on the "rumors" piled up, until it became too much for the record company to deal with. Justin Beaver was dropped from the record label, and another person was found to replace him. That was 5 years ago. Now J.B. sits in his tiny 2 bedroom trailer reliving the glory days on Vh1's "Where Are They Now?" Balding and scruffy with a bit of a gut, he shows them that he's still got it. "Baby, baby, oooooohhhhhh." A member of the crew can't help but feel sorry for the untalented singer who lost it all, and put's his hand on his shoulder to comfort him. But it's the last straw for J.B. he yells out "Don't you ever fucking touch me again!" And somewhere in middle class America an aging Justin Beaver fan tweets to her internet friends "Why don't they just leave Beaver alone? They're just jealous of his talent."
The moral of this story: Money can buy you talent, but if you're a spoiled snobby brat, don't be surprised when someone tells you that your 15 minutes is up.
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