Don't Ever Talk: A guy wants to do his thing and get out. The act of dropping waste from your body is a private matter (unless 2 girls one cup was your kind of thing), and it puts most of us in a very uncomfortable position, so please save the chit chat for some other place. And don't you dare wait outside the bathroom to talk to me, because only gay hookers hang around talking near a public restroom. How do I know? Come on all those numbers on the stalls "call me for a good time" (oh did you really think those were chicks? How would a chick get into a guys bathroom with everyone watching?) So anyway yeah. Shhh.
No Unecessary Noises When Dropping a Deuce: You've been pooping all your life, so you should be use to it by now. No one wants to hear you panting, grunting, moaning, and groaning away. Also if you're having trouble with breathing while pooping you might want to see a doctor about your condition.
No Using The Urinal Next to One Already In Use: Give a guy some space. Like I said before, this is a private matter. Dudes don't want another dude within eyesight when a body part is exposed. Most dudes anyway, but better safe than sorry. If there is no other toilet available then go ahead, but for the love of steak and potatoes don't talk and don't you dare look over. Eyes staight at the wall George Michael.
Don't Stand In Line: If there is not a urinal or toilet available then leave the restroom. When you see people go out, then you can go in. How can a guy concentrate when he's got some asshat whistling away the theme of Jeopardy, or staring at his back? Move on freak.
Don't Leave Your Kids Unattended: This should just be common sense as you never know who could be in there. Dudes need to concentate on what they're doing, or it just doesn't work. When I hear "What's taking so long?" I grab some toilet paper, dunk it in the toilet, and throw it over the stall. I never miss.
Don't Talk On Your Cellphone: Another distraction. And dude wtf? That's gross. No one wants to talk to you while your dropping a deuce. Rude prick. And I don't need to hear your drama when I'm dropping one. If I wanted to hear some drama I would get one of those little portable t.v.s and watch soaps or The Daily Show. Wah, wah, wah.
Clean Up After Yourself: Yeah I know most places have maintence people or janitors, but odds are that another person is going to use that toilet before someone gets there to clean it. So if you're the spastic type who can't control themselves and you get pee or anything else ( How do people get poop on the seat and walls? How? ), then clean it up when you're done. I'm not sure if nasty douche is contagious or not, but let's just be on the safe side.
Wash Your Freaking Hands: When you're done go straight to the sink and wash your hands. Wash them good with soap and water. None of this quick rinse stuff. I can't even begin to count how many times I've been in a public restroom and heard some dude grunting and groaning like Elton John at a YMCA, just to walk straight out of the stall and head out the door. Think of all the things they touched. How many hands they shook. High five yo.
