Lawyer Jokes

Choose Your Words Carefully

A man needing a little legal advice walks into a law firm. He asks an attorney: "If I give you $500 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?" The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"

The Bet

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to get down. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line up the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables. While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers: "What is this?" The first lawyer replies: "It's the $50 I owe you."

The Longest Month

A doctor told his patient that his test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only a month to live.

"That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient.

"Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest month of your life."

Dirty Pictures

John had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at immediately. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was rushed into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Run Lawyer Run

Two lawyers walking through the woods, attracted the attention of a ferocious looking bear. The bear noticed them, and started to walk toward them. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulling out a pair of sneakers, and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said: "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"Oh, I know that. Bears are much faster than humans. I have no hope of ever being able to outrun a bear."

"If you know that, why are you changing shoes?"

"Well, the way I figure it," the first lawyer replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."


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